Saturday, February 1, 2014

A Humble Request

Dear Universe,

How are you? Well, I hope. Seems like there's a lot going on, lately, so you're probably pretty busy. Or maybe it's just that we hear about everything. I mean, between Facebook and Fox News, we know pretty much everything that's going on in the world, right? Too bad about Justin Bieber. He had such a great career ahead of him. I'm sure we'll get along, somehow, but how to fill the void he leaves behind?

Anyway, you've probably figured out that I'm checking in with you about something in particular. (You are the Universe, after all. No such thing as small talk!) You see, I have a birthday coming up soon. (Yes - another one! I know. They just keep happening.) I turn 44 for this one. I don't know what it is about that particular number, but it's very aesthetically unpleasing, somehow. Maybe symmetry is bad when it comes to digits? Or perhaps it's because it's like a tipping point: all subsequent birthdays will result in numbers occupying the ones place that are larger than the number in the tens place until the whole thing rolls over again and becomes - GASP - a number I don't really want to talk about right now.

I think I've gotten side-tracked. Where was I? Right. I'm having a birthday soon.

The thing is, besides being my birthday (the one with that really ugly, mirror-image number that is now about to crest, rushing headlong down the other side of the peak of my fliborterbies toward disaster), it's also Valentine's Day. That is to say, my birthday falls on Valentine's Day. Every year. It's the same each time, because my birthday is always on February 14, oddly enough, and so is Valentine's Day. It was just the luck of the draw - NOT! It's a real bitch sharing my birthday with that day...

Wait, what? Gratitude, you say? Oh, yes, Universe! I didn't really mean that. Of course I am grateful for, you know, things. My birthday could have been on Christmas or July 4 or St. Patrick's Day. Real holidays. Then it would have totally fallen through the cracks, completely overshadowed by the main celebration! So, yes. I'm definitely feeling some gratitude that I only have to share the anniversary of my entry into this world with the Holiday of Romantic Love, the one day of all days we focus on how wonderful that is and what a central part eros plays in all of our lives, making the world go round and all. Nevermind that I'm middle-aged, still single, and haven't had a relationship of note since my marriage ended four - no five! - years ago. I'm really not bitter. Well, not very bitter. Okay, yes. I'm pretty bitter, but there are worse things. Maybe.

Sorry? What did you say? Oh, of course. I had a request. Actually, it was related to all that. (All that, except for Justin Bieber. He's not part of this, which may be hard to belieb, but it's true.)

The reason I am contacting you is because I would like a boyfriend. Not a husband, really. Just a boyfriend. Somewhere between "let's spend a magical night or two together and say 'au revoir'" and "we need to move in together as soon as possible, commingle our bank accounts, and melt into a single entity." I would really like it if he had his own place. And some source of money to pay his bills. Perhaps even a pet to take care of.

I know I'm really pushing my luck, here, but I have some other restrictions, as well, namely:

  • Male
  • Single/Available
  • A grown-up
  • Not currently in prison
  • Not currently dead
  • Not inflatable or requiring batteries or electrical outlets to function
  • Not in the process of being indicted for criminal activities, including, but not limited to, killing his ex-wife
  • Not a stalker, obviously mentally imbalanced, or prone to sending photos of his member in text messages

I realize that's a pretty long list (and that last one is a bit of a catch-all, so that may be unfair). I probably seem like I'm being overly discriminating, but I have to draw the line somewhere. For what it's worth, I don't really mind if he doesn't scuba dive or eat sushi. In fact, it's probably better if he doesn't eat sushi, since I wouldn't want to go with him. Or maybe it's just not his favorite thing of all time, so he can go occasionally with his own Sushi Friends.

At any rate, Universe, if you can think of someone within reasonable traveling distance, would you please come up with a clever way to set the wheels in motion for us to meet? Ideally, this will be while I still care whether or not they - or I - have a pulse. Thanks. (It would be especially nice if this happened sometime before my birthday. We don't have to be "official" by then, but it would be nice to go out like some of the other Dating People on People in Love Day. Just saying.)

In the meantime, I've got a couple of weeks. I'll contemplate the list above and see if there's any way to loosen some of my requirements. I wouldn't want to be too inflexible. We all have to learn to get along, don't we? Sure we do.

Well, thanks in advance, Universe. I'll be rooting for you here. The Superbowl is coming, and what with the pre-release of all of the commercials before the big game, you must be scrambling to keep the wheels in motion as they should be. (Talk about a personal foul...)

Yours truly,